"I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times. Have you seen the lips on that woman? Like a baboon's ass on her face."
"My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow!"
"Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those stories on Dateline, where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they're dead inside. They're dead. And that'll be our lives."
(When Meg says she had plans) "Meg, if you don't want to baby sit anymore that's fine, but don't you sit there and lie to me like that."
"You got to push back a little! You got to get a little rough! Oh, God, Peter! Hit me!"(Brian then smacks her on her butt)
"I'm like one of those bald eagles on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll use my razor sharp talons to rip your <DING!> eyes out. Cookies are done!"
(After Peter exclaims he accidentally shot her) "I know! Now stick your finger in there and twist it!"
"Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts."
"Chris you can't join the army! Besides, the army's weak. Now the Marines! Those are the men you wanna fuck."
"What was that? What is she your grandmother? That's no kiss, watch this."