Family Guy Fanon Wiki
Don't have an account?
Register
Advertisement
Register
Family Guy Fanon Wiki
Family Guy Fanon Wiki
4,104
pages
in: Episodes, Season 2, Peter Episodes,
and 6 more

If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'

Sign in to edit
If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'
Season 2, Episode 6
Prancing Around Peter
Air date October 17, 1999
List of Episodes
Previous
Screwed the Pooch 		Next
Peter Griffin: Husband, Father, ... Brother?

If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin' is the sixth episode of the second season of Family Guy. It is the twenty-fourth episode, overall.

Synopsis[]

When Peter and Chris' favorite TV show is canceled, Peter has Chris pretend to be dying of a rare disease to get it back on the air. Unknowingly setting of a chain of events.

Plot[]

Peter becomes very upset when NBC cancels his favorite show; Gumbel 2 Gumbel Beach Justice, a sitcom starring brothers Bryant Gumbel and Greg Gumbel. Lois suggests he use the series' cancellation to help Chris improve his study habits while she's away to visit her parents. To get the show back on the air, Peter decides to tell the Grant-A-Dream Foundation that being able to watch the show is Chris's dying wish. To this end, he makes up a disease called "tumasyphilisitisosis," the symptoms of which include growing extra nipples, faked with pepperoni slices, across one's torso.

An agreement is brokered between Grant-a-Dream and NBC in which the Gumbel show will be put back on the air if NBC can get the film rights to Chris's death. Peter is overjoyed when Gumbel 2 Gumbel is back on the air, but he panics upon learning that mourners are holding a candlelit vigil on their front lawn. When the network comes to claim their part of the deal, Lois finds out about the scam when Carter gives her money when he finds out and tells Peter to tell the truth, but he could possibly face prison time for fraud. Acting out of desperation, he casually claims to have cured him and gets off the hook. Thus Peter gets a reputation for being a healer, and people start worshiping him as a god. Infuriated, the real God sends six plagues upon his house. When Chris is crushed by a giant golden statue of Peter during the final plague involving the death of the first-born son, Peter admits that he is not God, thus ending the plagues and saving Chris' life.

Characters[]

Major Roles[]

Minor Roles[]

Quotes[]

Chris: Hey, Dad? When you said, "Chris finished his homework," were you talking about me? Because if you were, I think you just lied to Mom.
Peter: Now, Chris, lies are not all that bad.
Chris: How?
Peter: You know that your science teacher, ol' Fargus has to take those chill pills to keep his job?
Chris: Yeah.
Peter: Truth is, he lied about taking them and just tone down the insanity. And what did he teach you in class today?
Chris: We went into one of his pinball games to experience motion.
Peter: Well, you can thank lying for that.
Lois: Honey, hold still and let me bath you, you're filthy.
Stewie: I'm filthy? I'M FILTHY? You're the filthy one. What do you say to that?
Lois: [looks out through the window] Oh my God.
Peter: Yes?
Lois: Peter, that's not funny. Those fanatics are building a golden idol of you on the lawn.
Peter: I look like a freakin' Emmy! [to the camera] Hint, Hint.
Peter: I'll handle it Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.
Peter: When did God ever say he didn't want someone else being worshiped like him?
Lois: It's one of the Ten Commandments.
Peter: Oh, come on Lois, those were written like 200 years ago. Times have changed.
Peter: Lois, anyone who wouldn't pretend their own son is dyin' to get the Gumbels back on TV is a racist. There. I said it.
Chris: Are you sure this'll work?
Peter: Chris, this is just another one of your crazy schemes.
Chris: But this whole thing was your idea.
Peter: You'll find out.
Chris: Dad, you're not making any sense.
Peter: You just leave that to me.
Peter: Hey, Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no TV? So he failed a class. It's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that Thanksgiving when I was 19.
Peter: I want to have the kind of father and son relationship that the Gumbels have.
Lois: Peter, the Gumbels are brothers.
Peter: Oh nice, Lois, just because they're Black we can't learn anything from 'em?
Brian: Peter, this is the final plague!
Peter: Good, 'cause this is starting to get old.
Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the firstborn son.
Peter: Oh no, Stewie!
Brian: The firstborn son.
Peter: Meg!
Brian: Your wife.
Peter: Chris!
[While Lois is giving Stewie a bath]
Peter: Hey Stewie. I see your bum.
Stewie: Well, take a good look, Fat Man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I have something to bring with me to court, you wretched pervert.
[When Stewie's bathwater turns to blood]
Stewie: How positively delightful, it is as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!
Peter: We gotta save Gumbel 2 Gumbel, and we're gonna do it Griffin 2 Griffin.
Peter: [writes to FOX] If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll be really upset. The skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin.
Lois: Peter, come help me with the groceries.
[Peter unknowingly spills White-Out on the paper, making it say "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson." Scene cuts to Craig T. Nelson knocking on Peter's door]
Peter: Craig T. Nelson!
Craig T. Nelson: Are you Peter Griffin?
Peter: Yes.
Craig T. Nelson: [holds out a gun] Make it quick.
Peter: Thank God. I mean, thank me. [a frog jumps on Peter's head] Ahh!! Kidding, kidding!!
[When Lois shuts off "Gumbel 2 Gumbel"]
Peter: Lois, are you crazy?
Chris: Yeah, me and Dad haven't missed a Gumbel 2 Gumbel yet.
Lois: Well, you're gonna miss this one, young man. His report card came today. No more TV until your grades improve. Now get upstairs and study.
Peter: [to Chris] Don't worry. I'll talk to her. After I get a little bit of courage from my old friend, Mr. Jack Daniels. [reaches for a shot glass and then picks up the phone] Mrs. Daniels? Mrs. Daniels?!? Is Jack in? What? Oh, my God! When? Oh, I am so sorry. [hangs up the phone] Poor old Jack. He was a wise man, but he just loved playing with that wheat thresher. Always playing with that wheat thresher!
Lois: Peter, I want you to help Chris. Kids do better when parents take an interest in their schoolwork. I saw that on a two-part report on Dateline Tuesday and Dateline Gatilsday.
Peter: What the hell is Gatilsday?
Lois: Oh, NBC invented a new day so they could add another Dateline.
Tom Tucker: This is an Action News 5 News Break. I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. Tom has dared me to do the news topless. I've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at 11:00.
Tom Tucker: And if you're settling in to watch Gumbel 2 Gumbel, you're out of luck. That show has been canceled. The full story, and maybe Diane's boobs, tonight at 11:00.
Peter: Chris, I just thought of a way to get the Gumbels back on the air.
Chris: All right, Dad!
Peter: All we gotta do is tell a little white lie. Just go with it. [dials phone] Is this the Grant-a-Dream Foundation? My son Chris is dying!
Chris: Holy crap, no! Oh, my God!
Peter: That was the lie.
Chris: Oh, you sly boots.
[Stewie runs outside naked while Lois chases him]
Stewie: I'll show you filthy! [jumps in the mud] Yes, look at me! I'm a dirty, foul little boy! I'm a nasty, squalid little hobo! I say, Mother, you have your work cut out for you now, don't you?
Lois: Okay, if you want to be dirty, be dirty.
Stewie: Where do you think you're going? I've defiled myself. I need to be cleaned! [is sprayed with the hose by Peter] Aah!
Peter: There you go, kiddo. All clean.
Stewie: Blast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic! [looks at his crotch] Bloody hell, I'm a woman!
[At Chris' school]
Mr. McCloud: Take out your pencils and start your test.
Chris: Uh, Mr. McCloud, I didn't study for the test, but I got a good reason. I'm dying.
Mr. McCloud: Griffin, that's the lamest excuse I've heard since Steinberg's Jewish High Holiday crap. Steinberg! Take that hat off in my classroom! [Steinberg takes his yarmulke off]
Chris: But Mr. McCloud, I'm really dying. I have a certificate to prove it.
Mr. McCloud: My God! Tumor-syphilis-itis-osis! And he still comes into school! You're excused from the test, you brave, brave boy. Steinberg, you can learn something from this fine young...damn it, Steinberg! Take that hat off!
[An episode of "Good Times" on TV]
JJ: Maxine is the lady who's feeling all right, thanks to the magic of Kid Dynomite!
[The audience laughs on TV]
James: Junior, where you been? Dinner was three hours ago!
Florida: Oh, forget him, James. He's an idiot!
JJ: Mama, what's wrong with you?
Florida: What's wrong with me? My name is Florida! Florida! That's the name of a state! Why is my name Florida? [crying] Oh, Lord!
[There's a moment of silence]
JJ: Dynomite!
Lois: [to Peter] You pretended Chris was dying to save a TV show? You're a monster!
Brian: Thank you.
[An episode of "Gumbel 2 Gumbel." The Gumbel brothers are with a robber]
Bryant Gumbel: Purse snatching: society's fault, or one man's cry for help?
Robber: What are you talking about? I wanted her freakin' money.
Bryant Gumbel: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Robber: What the hell's wrong with him?
Bryant Gumbel: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Lois: Peter, these people are worshiping you. Don't you think there's someone who might resent that? A being who's all-knowing and all-powerful?
Peter: Well, someone's got a pretty high opinion of herself.
Brian: [scratches himself] Ah! Damn it to hell! This is embarrassing. I seem to have fleas.
Lois: That's never happened before.
Chris: [appears with a face full of pimples] Morning.
[Peter and Lois are shocked with Chris' appearance]
Peter: Geez, Chris, puberty hit you like a ton of bricks.
Chris: What do you mean? Ah!
Lois: Don't you see what's happening?
Peter: Of course I do, Lois. Our fresh-faced little boy is becoming a pock-marked, hideously disfigured man. Sunrise. Sunset.
Brian: No, no, no, Peter. The light bulbs last night, my fleas, Chris' pimples. They're just like darkness, gadflies, and boils. Three of the plagues God visited upon Egypt when the Pharaoh angered him in the Old Testament.
Peter: Oh, come on, Brian, there's a logical explanation for all those things. There was a power surge, you don't bathe, and Chris has had acne problems since the fourth grade. Ah, the kids were all calling him "Crisco" and "Pizza Face and Rootin'-Tootin' Raspberry". Remember, Chris?
Chris: Now I do.
Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this!
Brian: You want an explanation? [slaps Peter with each word] God. Is. Pissed!
Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
Lois: Get out there and tell those people the truth! Make them stop worshiping you before it starts hailing in my house!
Lois: Peter, there's a candlelight vigil on our front lawn.
Peter: [Wields harpoon] Lois, that's ridiculous. There's nobody out there. You must be seeing things.
Meg: I was giving Stewie a bath, and...and...
Peter: Trust me, Meg. At his age it's strictly involuntary.

Songs[]

Trivia[]

  • Peter writes a letter to try and save the show Coach, mentioning Craig T. Nelson in the letter.
  • As Peter and Chris are walking into the TV station they pass by the screens for the six television networks showing programs for their various appeals: ABC with game shows like Jeopardy!, NBC with late-night talk shows like The Tonight Show, FOX with sci-fi shows like The X-Files, CBS with shows for old people, The WB with teen dramas like Dawson's Creek and UPN with a plant in the window, accurately predicting its demise.
  • The six plagues are from the biblical story of Moses in Ancient Egypt. When Moses told King Ramses to free the Hebrews and he refused, God sent 10 plagues down: the Nile River turning red with blood causing all fish to die, a swarm of frogs, a swarm of lice covering man and beast, a plague of flies causing sickness, disease on livestock, festering boils on the Egyptians caused by ashes, raining hail, a horde of locusts eat all remaining plant life and crops, a thick darkness over the land for three days, and finally, the death of every firstborn son except those whose families had painted lamb's blood over their doors. The only plagues the Griffins don't receive are flies, disease on livestock, locusts, and hail, although Lois mentions them.
  • It is shown that NBC invented "Catillsday" so they could air another edition of Dateline. At the time this episode aired, Dateline was on five nights a week.
  • Hollywood Squares is parodied with its celebrity guests LL Cool J, Charlie Sheen, Fran Drescher, Scott Bakula, Whoopi Goldberg, Suzanne Sommers, Dennis Rodman and Betty White. The comical attitude of Hollywood Squares was caught in the episode too, the host asks the sick kid if there is anything lower than absolute zero, and he says "my white cell count."
  • A sign outside NBC's Studio reads "We Used to Have Seinfeld, Remember?"
  • At one point, Peter apologizes to Chris, stating that "This isn't the first time my appetite's gotten me in trouble." The scene cuts to a parody of the film The Diary of Anne Frank during the Nazi infiltration of the house in which the Frank family was hiding. The clip suggests the reason the Franks were discovered was because Peter was hiding with them, eating potato chips obnoxiously loud.
  • Brian states to Peter that the reason for the plagues is that "God is pissed!", but in "Not All Dogs Go to Heaven", he later declares himself to be an atheist.

Cultural References[]

  • The title is a reference to the phrase, "If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'."
  • Gumbel 2 Gumbel shares elements with 1980s TV shows such as Miami Vice and Hart to Hart, and also has reference to the TV show Pacific Blue.
  • In the NBC boardroom, one of the men suggests that they have a new show about a single white girl in the city working at a magazine. This is much like many of the sitcoms aired on NBC at the time of this episode, particularly Just Shoot Me! and Suddenly Susan, which is why one of the executives dismisses the idea as "the same crap over and over" and suggests that they "take a chance" and "do something fresh," to which the dissident is beaten with a Just Shoot Me! poster.
  • Peter's black cousin Rufus Griffin had starred in many movies called Caddyblack, Blackdraft, and Black Kramer vs. Kramer. These are parodies of the movies Caddyshack, Backdraft, and Kramer vs Kramer, respectively as well as a reference to the way that the title of Dracula was modified to make the title of Blackula. Back to the Future is spoofed with Peter's black cousin, Rufus Griffin in a blaxploitation film called Black to the Future. The De Lorean time machine, meeting up with his teenager mother, and performing at the school dance are spoofed in the scene. The Chuck Berry phone call during the dance is replaced with the band member calling Isaac Hayes instead.
  • The 1970s sitcom Good Times is parodied in a scene where Florida Evans is upset that she's named after a U.S. State. J.J.'s infamous "Dy-No-Mite" is also implemented.
  • After Chris shows signs of boils, one of the ten Plagues of Egypt, one of the names Peter said kids used to call him was "Rootin' Tootin' Raspberry." This is a reference to the Pillsbury Funny Face Drink flavor.
  • In the scene where Peter is pleading to God, he says "I'm just a big fake, like the Moon Landing, Marky Mark's dong in Boogie Nights, and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman not the completely untrue gay thing, but they're both just really phony." These are references to the Apollo Moon Landing hoax accusations, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's marriage which at the time of the episode's original airing they were still married, and to the ending to Boogie Nights in which Wahlberg's character Dirk Diggler pulls out his long penis. In fact, according to Wahlberg in an interview on Inside the Actor's Studio, he was actually holding a prosthetic, made out of rubber, in front of his real genitals. He kept the object as a souvenir from the filming.
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
Advertisement

Fan Feed

More Family Guy Fanon Wiki